Blackadder Goes Forth with Captain Darling
by lightfagami
Summary: Blackadder has found himself in love... with his fellow comrade, Captain Darling. Will he continue the prolonged banter between them, or pursue his attraction? It can't hurt, can it?


The night was foggy. The grey and gloomy midst was swooping throughout the trenches, joining with the stench that was either coming from the latrines or Baldrick. Blackadder was sat outside of the den, a cigarette perched between his two fingers. It was another sleepless night for Blackadder; There was something that was nudging at his brain that he didn't like to admit. It was forbidden. Illogical. Unorthodox. Plain stupid.

Captain Darling.

Yes, that's right. Kevin Darling. The utter prat who was beaten about by the stark raving mad, baa'ing Melchett. The blithering idiot with the twitchy eye and the worst moustache since Charlie Chaplin's. He tweaked at every nerve in Blackadder's body -yet he felt this fatal attraction, one he could not rid of, no matter how hard he tried. Somehow, that unnerving eye twitch was charming, and the thought of being briskly tickled by his upper lip hair was a good one. For the first time in his life, Blackadder was baffled and without solution. So, he was stuck with it. He placed the cigarette between his lips and inhaled, hoping perhaps he'd choke on the next breath he took. He blew out the smoke and watched it join the fog above, before groaning and slapping his head onto his palm. He was stumped. It'd now started to become very chilly, and the midnight air was now becoming a depressant rather than a relaxation, so Blackadder decided to retreat back in and try and catch a few hours sleep. He had to get a few; dealing with his two idiotic comrades used up a lot of energy.

* * *

"Captain Darling!" Melchett boomed, organising a few papers on his desk.

The doors swung open and Captain Darling marched in, before haulting in-front of the desk, hand to his head.

"At ease. I have an errand for you." Melchett said, his moustache dancing above his lip.

"Of course, sir. What is it?" He asked.

"I need you to fetch Blackadder. I need to speak with him!" Melchett explained, urgency hinted in his voice.

_Ah, Captain Blackadder, _Darling thought. Ever since the two met, there was a hatred between them. To Darling, Blackadder was a pompous, deluded twat. Darling was finding it harder and harder to contain his anger when Blackadder decided to take a swig at him - he did it so much that Darling had now started to believe that Blackadder enjoyed it. He couldn't stand the feeble bastard, but he had to do what Melchett told him, otherwise _he'd _be fighting in the trenches.

"As you wish, General. But might I ask, why can you not use the phone to summon him? It's a lot quicker and saves me going over there." Darling asked, amazed once again by the General's idiocy.

"Do you not think I've _tried _that, man? The phone lines are down! Sometimes I think you take me for an idiot, Captain Darling!" Melchett shouted, rising from his desk so powerfully that the objects upon it fell down. "Now, go and fetch me Blackadder!"

"Y-yes, sir!" Darling stuttered before quickly removing himself from the room, dodging whatever Melchett might've thrown at him.

* * *

"Sir, what would you like for breakfast?" Baldrick asked the Captain, who was sat at the small table reading the newspaper. He seemed to look more deep in thought than usual, and he was acting like it too. He hadn't snapped a joke at Baldrick ever since they'd woken up, though Baldrick knew they were to come soon enough.

Blackadder sighed exhaustedly, dreading where this 'conversation' was to go.

"Well Baldrick, that all depends on what's available! What unsanitary, undigestiable dishes do you have for me to choose from?" He asked, his voice full of false excitement.

"Well sir, there's malt bread, malt bread with butter... or butter." Baldrick said, presenting a suspiscious smelling dish on a tray.

"So, you mean I have a choice between dung shaped like bread, dung shaped like bread with cat's vomit, or just... cat's vomit?" Blackadder spoke, looking up from his newspaper and glaring at Baldrick, who was smiling like an idiot.

"Yep."

"Oh, well lovely, I'm spoilt for choice! In-fact I'm so spoilt for choice that I can't pick. Think I'll pass breakfast just this once. Now, go clean the latrines."  
"Alright, sir."

And with that, Baldrick scurried off outside of the den to clean the latrines, just as asked. Blackadder wondered how he were ever to cope if he wasn't leader of the men. If he spoke the way he did to his comrades to his superiors, he would be up for a court-martial. But luckily, _he _was the superior here, so he could treat them all however he liked. If he was restricted from dropping sarcastic comments and giving Baldrick a punch when he was being particularly annoying, he wouldn't be able to survive. The trench life wasn't a good one. They'd now been in the trenches for 3 years, and they'd done mostly nothing. On the very rare occassions where the General would ask them to fight, Blackadder always got himself out of it. Unlike George, he wasn't excited by the thought of rushing out into No Man's Land and having his head blown off. _Actually, George having his head blown off might do him some good,_Blackadder thought, then chuckling to himself. All Blackadder wanted to do was return home back to his normal life, full of cigarettes, strange girls and a cups of teas. Whereas in the trenches it was full of bombs, idiots and cups of Baldricks spittle. It'd been a long 3 years, and no-one knew how much longer the war would go on. The thought to Blackadder, was daunting.

"Captain Blackadder!" A familiar voice spoke from the den door. _No, it can't be,_ Blackadder thought, before standing up and seeing the man who was standing before him. Captain Darling.

"Urgent business. General Melchett needs to see you." Darling spoke, his eye twitching along with it. _Oh, that charming twitchy eye._

"I see, and what would this be on the subject of?" Blackadder asked, smacking his hands together and slowly wading himself towards Darling. "Are you _so _incompetent that there's yet another job I have to do in place of you? I don't see why old Melchie keeps you around, you're obviously useless." Blackadder had to keep up the usual banter, no matter how strong his... 'feelings' got. Darling would know something was up if he stopped poking at him whenever he got the chance. Anyway, Blackadder enjoyed it, even if half the time he didn't mean what he said.

"Now Blackadder, you know you absolutely _had _to take my place that time. I'd been shot in the foot."

"By General Melchett."

"Accidentally."

"...Of course."

Darling's upper lip wobbled a little, as if he was about to boil over.

"Look Blackadder, I have no time for the banter. He needs to see you immediately. I'm not sure what it's about, but it sounded urgent. So come on."

Blackadder sighed before following Darling out of the den.


End file.
